How Hard Is It Living With PTSD?

It is hard. You want to know more? I will give you some.

I split it into three part because I think it is the best way to make it obvious for common people. The first part is when they are facing a post-traumatic event. The second part is when they are dealing with PTSD. The last part is when they are doing a recovery.

The Post-Traumatic Event

PTSD comes because people encountering a post-traumatic event. Every single PTSD warrior has their own unique and personal experience. For my personal story, I experienced a child abuse and adolescent. It happened in the very past and finally, I experienced the things that I’ve never expected before.

It was not a big deal at that time. My mom and my sister experienced too and it was ok. Cried and grieved was just another moment at that time. It was just a bad moment to remember for the last decade and we never talk about it anymore. Cause it was painful enough.

One day, on the very hectic day, it exploded in the way that I never expected before. I never know it could be a big deal for me. Since that day, I change my mind that it was an emergency problem. I just amazed how strong and powerful my mom and sister, because they still ok until this very moment of their life.

Since that day, I ignored the bad memory. I thought it has to erase from my mind. So I always try to erase it but I am failed. I still remember, but I lost the detail. Now I realize maybe it will very useful for other if I recall again and share it with others because I believe the people want a happiness in their life. I believe this story could save a lot more people from it. Maybe I will write it down next time and linked to this article when my brain ready to reveal it. Now, let’s move to the next one.

The PTSD event

I love the smooth transition between my high and low times, frankly. It came in a flawless way. I named it my best swing moment ever in my life!

I remembered the moment when I was in the high moment. Everything seemed so good. Everything was going well. I enjoyed my research. I did my hobby in my community so well. I hang out and talked with my friends. It was so much fun moment I guess. I felt the very very good feeling at that moment.

One day, it faded away so swiftly. I became so moody. Sometimes it felt so good and most of the time it turned out to the very bad mood. Suddenly I realized that it called mood swing. It occurred for more than one month, but sooner I knew it would be my daily mood.

I got a weird dizzy on my head, sometimes. It felt cenut cenut cenut.. Sometimes the cenut cenut was so rough, it came in the slow to the fast tempo. It happened at an unpredictable time. it happened when I ate, when I was on stairs and when I had a bath. It happened so quickly and suddenly faded away, I knew it lately it just some symptom of PTSD.

I remembered when my friends got upset because of me, because of my weird mood, because of my pathetic. I thought I had a bad aura at that time. Everything that I touched became misfortune.

My mind distracted from the things that I did not know what was that. I couldn’t focus on the one thing. I lost my interest in life. Suddenly I realized that my life becomes so miserable. I felt that I couldn’t resist it anymore.

I became so fragile and hopeless. I didn’t know what really happened to me. I thought it was a normal condition in a human life, but I got in high dose. Finally, I got a validation that it was PTSD.

After The Catastrophe

I didn’t get any miracle from the Almighty, but I knew He has a lot of ways to send His miracle. It happened when I read the news reported that Lady Gaga has suffered from PTSD.

I browsed every issue about PTSD on the internet. It was amazing, I got a lot of insight by learning from article, news, journal, personal story, and stuffs. I became knew how dangerous PTSD is. I realized many bad things could happen to me, as a chain reaction caused by PTSD. I guess that my chronical sickness when I was a child, it because of the physical reaction from the stressor. I guess it more than it.

It is hard for me to live with PTSD. I think that my life is not worth any more. It’s hard for me to be more creative as well. My mind becomes sucks. My brain didn’t work so wholly. Everything just seems so meanest.

Sometimes I felt very dizzy, which is different from common dizzy. Someone who has a chronical stress will felt that way. When it comes, I can’t think clearly.

Even sleep getting harder. I remember one night, it came so badly. I didn’t know what could I did to vanish my brain injury again. I hope in a pill of Paramex. After I pour my brain with the chemicals from Paramex and battle to get sleep, I woke up in a better health. It helped me so well, but I couldn’t feed up my brain with Paramex for a long time period because I didn’t want to offer my liver.

I know that insanity thing was my normal condition, as a man who suffers PTSD. It was written in the scientific journal and empirically proven. It’s actually even worse than common people think. The amygdala becomes shrinking. It caused a bad thing for the brain because it will change the chemical reaction in the brain which is it will change the hormones and metabolism.

Another fact about PTSD, it is actually even worse than common people think. It damages the brain. The amygdala becomes shrinking. It caused a bad thing for the brain because it will change the chemical reaction in the brain which is it will change the hormones and metabolism.

Yes, it is true, I felt that way. I am become emotionally unstable (moody). Sometimes I lost my memory, for instance, the name of a person that I met before, the vocabulary that it was familiar to me, and other small memory. When I read the article, sometimes I got a misleading read. I remember I read a news with the name of Anji in the headline, but I read as “Anjing” which means dog in Indonesian. It’s just some example.

My heart beat in an abnormal way, sometimes. It beat like I am running but I didn’t do any physical activity. I remember one night, I felt like an earthquake vibration. Sometimes I felt an earthquake vibration when I was sleeping but after I woke up, I thought there was no earthquake. I become tremors and it getting worse I guess.

The most important thing is when I feel so hopeless and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I felt that way in a minimum dose, lucky me. I always keep my mind in a positive way. I think it was dangerous when it was going wrong. I think the reason why people suicide is when they feel hopeless and did not know how to deal with it again.

In our society, being antisocial is an ominous thing, but I think it is a normal way for me. I am an ambivert. I love being socialized and sometimes I choose to be alone. It turns quickly when I got PTSD. I become antisocial, and it was chronical. I enjoy being alone so much but it doesn’t make me feel so lonely. I feel that loneliness is my best moment. I know it will be very strange for people around me, for example, my family, my friends, my colleagues, and others. But you know, it’s just my way to get the serenity.

Some say I am the fools who dream, Yes, I am. I realize it now and I learn how to deal with it. I know where I am from but I don’t really know what the dream that I chase about for me. One of my dreams becomes a graduate student. And it getting hard and even worse, for now. PTSD made my study become so messy, and I bet I lost my graduate candidate. Not even my study, my life is on the edge of everything.

Maybe someday I will regret because I lost my graduation from the best university in this nations. But I believe, God knows the best.

Since this time, I think my dream died in a tragic way. I have to bury my dream to become a manager in a deepest trench or Mariana. Maybe it’s a sign from the Almighty for me to take a bow. I have to make a better option in a rational way to life while PTSD still ruins my life.

Altogether, it was the consequence that I have to deal with PTSD. It never seems so easy. I remember the lyric from the Bob Marley, which is so mean to me.

But my hand was made strong by the ‘and of the Almighty.
– Bob Marley, Redemption Song